Dracula vs. Frankenstein

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Product Description

Judith Fontaine is looking for her sister Joanie, who has disappeared into the hippie community of Venice, California. It turns out Joanie has become the victim of Groton, an axe-wielding homicidal maniac working for Dr. Durray, who is really the last of the Frankensteins and is now running a house of horrors by the beach and is performing experiments on Gorton's victims. One night Count Dracula visits the doctor, showing him the original Frankenstein creation that was buried in a nearby graveyard. The doctor revives it and uses it to take revenge on his professional rivals.

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Dracula vs. Frankenstein Review

I can remember even as a small child watching it and cringing, recognizing a bad movie before I knew what a bad movie was.

Two initial point of observation:

(A) The dork playing Dracula was the worst Dracula EVER. The Count from Sesame Street makes a more credible vampire, or maybe T.J. Hooker, Matt Houston, Mary Tyler Moore, or even the shark from Jaws. This Dracula eerily resembles King Diamond. I kept waiting for him to tear off with a verse from Abigail or Them. This version of Dracula is portrayed somewhat like a talking mime, complete with three inches of white grease paint, lipstick, and large raccoon-like black patches around the eyes. Additionally, Dracula is the only character in the movie with a built-in echo.

(B) Wow! Frankenstein's Monster resembles Frankenstein's Baked Potato. His face is a bloated, rotten, clenched mess in which features are only minimally identifiable. The Monster is atypically distinguished by the extra-small jacket, heavy shoulder pads, and block-mounted elevator shoes. The Monster's method of attack: Snarling and bellowing, the monster shoves and slaps his victims to death. There is no escape. You will die screaming, your eyeballs pummeled from their sockets.

The plot of this movie, such as it is, involves King Diamond, I mean Dracula, seeking out the modern day descendant of the original Frankenstein. Dracula is interested in having the modern day Frankenstein ply his mad scientist wares on Dracula's behalf. And apparently, for no other reason than to serve the movie title, Dracula wants to exhume the immortal remains of the Monster; fortunately, and conveniently, the Monsters just happens to be buried a stretch down the road in the local graveyard. But the wheelchair-ridden Frankenstein decides he doesn't want to take orders from Count Diamond, I mean Dracula---so Dracula grimly unveils his gigantic plastic-looking silver monster-ring and shoots a poorly-animated lightning bolt at the wall.

Yeah, that's what I thought, Frankenstein, now straighten up.

Mixed into the supernatural intrigue is the blonde woman searching for her missing hippy sister; unbeknownst to her, the sister has in fact been abducted by Frankenstein as test stock for Frankenstein's evil experimentations! The blonde woman is subsequently captured by Dracula and conveyed to Dracula's new lair, the local church (the chosen sanctuary for all vampires). Dracula intends to exsanguinate the blonde woman, but is rebuked when the Monster shows an interest in the captive. Dracula retaliates, brandishing his disproportionately large plastic fangs.

The fight is on, baby! The Thrilla in Salmonella. Tickets by the Boardwalk, just look for the little guy with the hat. Dracula, at approximately 6 minutes until sunrise, backs out of the church and fifty yards into the adjoining woods. He stands there trying to give his best onstage magician performance scary face while the gargling and growling Monster pushes and slaps at him. Dracula counters the attack by taking the Monster apart like a cheaply-stuffed doll. The Monster refuses to back down, persisting even when both arms have been dismembered and the Monster is no longer capable of his patented shoving/slapping attack. Dracula is ultimately forced to behead the Monster.

Suddenly, the sun is rising. Oh sweet Countess Bathory! Dracula breaks into a staggering half-hearted run, moving back towards the church entrance. Just as he makes to the steps, near to the structure's threshold, Dracula succumbs to the sun's destroying influence, going from runny make-up King Diamond, to ashy-face King Diamond, and finally to skull-face King Diamond. Man, he almost made it, and alas, had he done so, there might have been intriguing sequels such as Dracula vs. Milo, Dracula vs. The Legend of Boggy Creek, or even Dracula vs. Xanadu.

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